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After researching and talking a lot about it, I finally bought my first Ashtanga yoga books. They are written by Gregor Maehle http://chintamaniyoga.com. All I want to do is curl up with these books and practice yoga all day long! The way it is written, the tips and the content are so informative. Perusing for a few minutes between putting my daughter in bed (for the 3rd time) and cooking dinner for myself/my husband, I realized what a well of wisdom I now have at my fingertips. It was really intimidating to delve into yoga literature, because there is so much ancient scripture that has been interpreted – and its kind of like any tradition with a long lineage – how is it being represented? Is the source reliable and can the material be communicated in a way that can be easily (or somewhat easily) digested?

What I really enjoyed this morning is that I needed less effort to “release” from the past and move into the present. The prana, or light force, seemed to move with more ease. Just being aware of what the breathing was intended to do – the sound, the movement into the body – made it more possible. The yoga mat is a gift, because there’s nothing to it. In the day of modern consumption, it’s one of life’s treasures to stand on that mat and listen to passage of air.

As I’m going through this very challenging process of refining my professional self after having raised two babies into toddlerhood, I am realizing the struggle is compromising, or feeling like I am compromising.

From the author of “Path of Least Resistance” Robert Fritz:

“If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.”

Yes, what I want seems totally unreasonable. I even think it is unreasonable and tell people that it’s not possible to “have it all.” i was wildly nodding my head in agreement while reading Indra K. Nooyi, PepsiCo CEO’s interview with The Atlantic on why “Women still can’t have it all.” I have come to the conclusion that if we are viewing life from the perspective of the social mammoth and not our authentic voice, we definitely cannot have it all. If we define our professions based on salary, social status, number of direct reports, awards etc, then truly we cannot have it all. So then the question is…what does my authentic voice say?

I love learning. I am addicted to it. My parents, both academics, instilled this in my brother and me very early on. My father’s text to us today: “Learn something new today. Be happy.” ‘Nuf said. I took pregnancy and motherhood with the same thought in stride. I tried to learn as much as I could about how to care for and guide our children. Starting with what to eat when I was pregnant to how best to stop my son from sucking his thumb. My mom said that I was “making a science” of it. Yes, this is how I problem solve. I look stuff up, I talk to experts, I analyze what how to best apply that to my life, and I share my experience with others. Oh, and by the way, this process is very similar to how I solve problems at the work place. So if “learning” is authentic to me. In fact, it’s been injected since my childhood, so few things are as authentic, then I must be “having it all.”

I listened to this story on NPR this morning. Lynda Blackmon Lowery was 15 years old when when she joined Bloody Sunday, the 1965 civil rights march turned confrontation with state troopers turned passage of Voting Rights Act. She wrote a book for young readers called Turning 15 on The Road To Freedom. When interviewed about why she aimed her message to a young audience, she said this:

“I would like for young people to know that each day of your life is a journey into history and that you’re making that history. And you have the ability to change something each day of your life.”

EACH DAY OF YOUR LIFE IS A JOURNEY INTO HISTORY. I had never heard it put that quite that way before. I felt so inspired. What if I used this mantra to start my day every day? How would it change my day/my week/my life? Would I be more fulfilled? I have no illusions that my changes will lead to something as grand as securing the voting right for minority peoples. Maybe it’s seeing the little ways in which we “change” things around us. Who are we affecting? I am reading a book called the Moral Intelligence of Children whose author Robert Coles expounds on how every single on one of us are examples of how our young treat other people. Anyone who has spent time with children knows how quickly they pick up on the littlest details of what we do, how we do it.  I want my children to know that they will write their own journey – their lives will affect others – and they DO have the ability to change things. So I will need to model that change. Sounds daunting but it doesn’t have to be. I’m writing this today. Maybe someone will read it and also feel inspired. I will read to a room full of toddlers in about an hour’s time. Maybe my words will stay with them and they will feel inspired. And tonight I will sit with my husband in our Chinese lesson and – ok, that will not inspire anyone but the two of us – but it’s SOMETHING. And “something” could have perspective.

Head, Shoulders, Knees and OW!

Today I read an interesting article titled “House of Pain” by Ashtanga Yogi Anne Finstad – describing her relationship with pain in practicing ashtanga yoga (http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/07/21/the-house-of-pain-ashtanga-yoga/) Since the birth of my second child, I have had problems with my knees. After a meniscus tear in my right knee was established, I was operated when my second born was just under a year. One full year, yet another relocation (with Germany but still…) and not enough hours of yoga later, I still felt like my knee was not right. I got a recommendation to see a doctor in this area – a surgeon who also treats the 1.FC Nuremberg football team. Bedside manners: he had never heard of ’em. He took one look at my knee, and told me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. He said it is physiologically mended – der Kollege hat es gut gemacht. He was done (he actually accused me of wasting his costly time that would be better spent in surgery – I suppose for “paying” private patients).

I was well experienced with the brevity of German & Austrian doctors. I persisted. But why then did I still have the pain and why can’t I stand up from a squat etc? While still complaining about his time being wasted on me, he started to really diagnose me. He started up from my hip (slight alignment problem – this I knew from my physical therapy in Dusseldorf), all the way to my neck (always the right side), to my jaw. He asked if it is always my right side bother me: YES! Even while we were still in China, I had TCM therapy for my neck/right shoulder pain. It still hadn’t gone away – but after two children and two relocations within two years, I didn’t really expect it would. I just accepted it as a minor nuisance that was now a part of me. He told me that is a problem with my bite – my teeth – and sent me to a dentist (!) in Nuremberg who practices alternative medicine and who could rid me of the “infection” behind my molars.

This all sounds incredibly hokey as I write it now, however this doctor actually brought tears to my eyes (no, not from his snide jabs – my German-healthcare- skin is pretty thick) but because his diagnosis seemed to connect all the problems in my body over the past years and it finally all made sense. IMG_6548Seeing that it was not a big investment of time or money,  I did go to that dentist in Nuremberg and I did get the painful jabs in my jaw (this time, from a homeopathic injection) and the knot in my right shoulder/neck did go away. And in time, my right knee pain too. I started practicing ashtanga yoga which is rigorous no the knees but also on building up the thigh muscles. Now it’s again one year later. The reason I landed on Anne’s article today was because I was researching how to modify my ashtanga practice for knee pain. My left knee hurts.

In getting back to blogging my goal was was to write every day for 10 days. Discipline is difficult, but keeping up the practice is important. It was a great little trial and there is still more to explore. Life goes on!